Thursday, December 29, 2011

Hopefully, I Have No Expectations

A very dear friend of mine practices having no literally none.  Not expecting anything good and not expecting anything bad.  Just being in the moment and in a state of acceptance of what comes...whatever it is.  How incredibly awesome!   I so badly want to put this into practice! Rejection wouldn't hurt so much.

I thought I understood this concept enough to really get into it, but I'm quickly finding out I don't. Or maybe I'm trying to incorporate my friend's interpretation into my own.  I'm not sure.  The thing is…I have always been a hopeful person. I cross my fingers. I make wishes on dandelion fluff, eyelashes, and upon stars.  I click my heels three times. I believe in fairies and I clap to prove it. For me, it's not over until the "fat lady sings" and she must sing…sing the whole goddamn song too! If she doesn't sing...or even if she stops to catch her breath in mid-song... I will always feel there is still a chance.

I guess that kind of makes me gullible and naive. I am Linus sitting in the pumpkin patch waiting for The Great Pumpkin to arrive... like an idiot.

There is a very fine line between expect and hope. A very blurry line. I can say I have no expectations but having hope makes me seem like I do. Or better yet…I do have expectations because usually I expect the worst…but I always hope for the best.   My gut will be begging and pleading with me to give up and let go, but my head and my heart will hold on. A half-court jumper at the buzzer is always possible, right?

It's all an exercise in faith…and there is a super blurry line between hope and faith… and even one between expectation and faith. And now I've officially spun into a state of confusion over it all. I really hope you weren't expecting a clear solution to this dilemma ;) But I'll leave you with this…

I don't expect to be told the truth.
I don't expect my blog or books to be read.
I don't expect to be called back about a new job.
I don't expect to ever be loved again.

But I will always do the work.
I will always be here.
I will always always always hope.